The Last Rogue Binks Awakens
March 19, 2023, 2:05 a.m.
Posted in Fiction
The Evil Joseph Swindler was having a regular day at school. He was pretending to listen to his teacher talk during math when he noticed something most suspicious... Mr. Cliffordio was wearing shoes! This could only have meant one thing; the second letter of shoe was “H”, which was the first letter of hamburger. Hamburgers were sold at McDonalds. McDonalds was the sworn enemy of Taco Bell. Taco Bell made tacos, and you would put guacamole on tacos. Guacamole was green, and grass was green! What was the same color of grass, the illuminati of course!
There was just too much proof. The Evil Joseph Swindler was so amazed that he was sweating. His teacher, Mr. Cliffordio, was part of the illuminati! The Evil Joseph Swindler visualized Mr. Cliffordio wearing a dark cloak with a bright green eye on it, standing on top of a sandy pyramid. The Evil Joseph Swindler felt a large collision with the back of his head. His vision had become blurred, and his head throbbed in pain while his sight faded away. The last thing he saw was Mr. Cliffordio’s sharp bearded face smiling sinisterly.
When The Evil Joseph Swindler woke up, he was in a tight room with concrete walls, and just a single door. The floor felt very cold and rough on The Evil Joseph Swindler’s hands when he pushed himself up off the ground and balanced himself on two feet. His head was still very sore, and he felt dizzy. The Evil Joseph Swindler’s first instinct was to escape, and so he lowered his head, took a deep breath, and charged at the door with full force. As soon as The Evil Joseph Swindler’s head hit the door, he was knocked out once again.
This time, when The Evil Joseph Swindler woke up, he was lying flat on his back staring directly at the roof; his prediction was indeed true, there on the roof was none other than a triangle with an eye in the middle. The Evil Joseph Swindler gasped! Mr. Cliffordio was now one hundred percent part of the illuminati confirmed! Mr. Cliffordio must have kidnapped The Evil Joseph Swindler when he saw The Evil Joseph Swindler had noticed his shoes. Mr. Cliffodio mustn’t have wanted the public to know he was part of the illuminati. The Evil Joseph Swindler had one last chance to escape, for he had an old friend who was so powerful he could defeat every Jedi with his eyes closed. The Evil Joseph Swindler sent him a text and was sure that he would be found, for his friend had dark superpowers.
It was a sunny day outside in Mexico when Darth Jar Jar’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Darth Jar Jar put on his dark Sith cloak, which concealed his big feet, big ears, and fish like appearance. Jar Jar sensed this text was trouble. He pulled out his phone and read it:
“I have been kidnapped and trapped by the illuminati, help or die. From, The Evil Joseph Swindler.”
Darth Jar Jar searched the force for a while, “I am one with the force and the force is with me, I am one with the force and the force is with me…” Then he felt it. The Evil Joseph Swindler was underneath the Trump Tower. Darth Jar Jar would have to go fast, he knew the illuminati’s leader, Mr. Cliffordio, would show no mercy. Sanic had taught Jar Jar speed, as Sanic had always said, “Gotta go fast!”. Jar Jar decided he had no choice but to leave his taco party behind, and embarked on a legendary journey.
Jar Jar had a long, hard journey. He travelled by barefoot in the blazing hot sun. He hurt himself on many sharp objects which were scattered about the rough cement sidewalks. He tried to hitchhike, but everyone just honked, causing Jar Jar to droop his head, put his thumb down, and slowly shuffle off the road. Jar Jar was at a loss, though he had crossed many vast roads, he was only making his way to the Mexican border after 10 hours! He was right beside the ocean standing on a grassy plain, about to head into America. But when Jar Jar tried to look at America there was a big concrete wall, no less than 50 feet tall!
Jar Jar’s first thought was to just force smash the wall, but before he could try it, a man appeared atop the wall. He had wavy blond hair, little hands, and wore a blue tuxedo. He turned his broad shoulders and pulled out a blood red lightsaber. It was none other than Darth Jar Jar’s worst enemy, Darth Trump! Darth Jar Jar activated his own red lightsaber in defense, and tossed aside his cloak which revealed his big floppy ears, large snout, and vote Keyboard Cat fan T-shirt. This was it, Sith vs Sith, to the death.
Trump made the first move. He flung himself off the wall and swung his lightsaber fiercely. Jar Jar fortunately was able to use his skill and dodged this attack. He perfectly executed a triple backflip. Though, unfortunately for him, Trump rocketed his lightsaber like a boomerang, and nicked the back of Jar Jar’s ear. Jar Jar counter attacked and threw a rock, which Trump sliced in two with one swift motion. The battle continued like this for quite some time, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Jar Jar was agile and light on his feet, while Trump was more of a powerhouse; he swung ferociously in one position.
At one point, Trump swung his lightsaber at just the right second, and sliced Jar Jar’s Keyboard Cat T-Shirt. Now it looked as if Keyboard Cat had no head! It was over. Darth Jar Jar was useless without his shirt and simply lied on the ground in defeat. Maybe if he focused enough, he would manipulate the midichlorians to become alive again; he did do this once in the past. He used to be known as Darth Plagueis the wise… Or maybe he would just accept his fate.
“I’m gonna post this on my Twitter!” Trump screamed as he swung his lightsaber towards Jar Jar’s neck.
It was at that moment it felt as though time had stopped. Jar Jar felt the force, and remembered the ocean where he began his second life, he remembered his Gungan friends, he remembered how he fooled the government to make him senator. And he remembered one of his friends from the ocean, a more dinosaur-like being, not a Gungan.
His name was Godzilla. A massive wave appeared on the horizon, and then a giant roar was heard all around the world. Trump dropped his lightsaber in awe, for he had come. Godzilla was here. Godzilla’s large reptile body emerged from the ocean and steadily marched towards the duo. Trump gasped as Godzilla pinned him down on the cold dirt with just his pinky finger. Jar Jar could read Godzilla’s thoughts:
“Finish him, it is the only way, didn’t you see what he did to your shirt!”
Jar Jar tightened his grip on his lightsaber. After he murdered the president, he would have to go rogue. The Trump supporters would surely come for him. Jar Jar did a 360 and swung his lightsaber right at Trump’s bird-like hair.
Jar Jar hopped on Godzilla’s scaly back. With one great smash they went straight through the wall, Jar Jar wiped the dust off his eyes, and they were off. Godzilla sprinted as fast as he could, smashing through all the buildings in his way, which created a massive path of fiery death, destruction, and chaos. They were able to safely arrive at the Trump Tower, and Godzilla gently set Jar Jar down at the front entrance. They made their farewells brief, as Jar Jar had no time to spare; The Evil Joseph Swindler needed his help.
Jar Jar entered the main lobby. It was brightly lit, had red carpets, and almost everything was made out glass. Jar Jar could tell everyone here was incredibly rich. One guy’s clothes were made completely out of money! Jar Jar wanted to lie back on the comfy looking sofa and watch the Buffalo Sabres play the Montreal Canadiens, but he had no time to lose. Buffalo would win anyway. The game was already 10-0.
Jar Jar searched the main lobby. He inspected every nook and cranny. He looked for some clue to point him in the right direction of where The Evil Joseph Swindler was. Jar Jar had no luck. He looked towards a snack vendor, maybe he would get some ketchup Doritos. Then it hit him. Doritos were triangles, you drank green, Mountain Dew with Doritos. The first part of Mountain Dew was mountain, and the second last letter of mountain was “I”. That leaves you with a green triangle with an eye in it, the illuminati symbol.
There was just too much proof. This must have meant that to open the illuminati base, Jar Jar had to combine Mountain Dew and Doritos on top of a mountain. Since there were no mountains inside the Trump Tower, Jar Jar assumed he could use his “eye” phone instead, it was the illuminati’s own design, after all. Jar Jar unlocked his iPhone with a trembling hand and placed it on the cold ground. Jar Jar carefully stood on top of the phone and instructed Siri to bring up a stock photo of a mountain. Siri followed as told and Jar Jar concentrated his force power while simultaneously grabbing Mountain Dew and Doritos.
All Jar Jar heard was his heart when it pounded in his chest. Jar Jar thought, “Maybe I’m having a heart attack?” He closed his eyes tight, and slowly poured the Mountain Dew into the Dorito bag.
Jar Jar almost fell flat on his face. It felt like the entire earth had just been hit like a baseball. The ground moved from under his feet. It was complete chaos; all the rich people were driving their hoverboards at full speed when they fled from the tower. Jar Jar ran after them. Luckily, Jar Jar made it outside, and he realized the earth did not move at all. it was still there. The Trump Tower was just starting to collapse.
As the Tower disappeared into a pile of rubble, a massive sandstorm started. Why was there a sandstorm where there was no sand? The answer was shortly discovered, as well as the reason the tower was collapsing. Out from where Trump Tower used to stand, emerged a giant sandy pyramid. Jar Jar was in shock, this was for sure the illuminati base, there was no doubt about it. Jar Jar mustered up all his courage, covered his eyes with his arm to block the sand, and ran into a small opening at the front of the pyramid.
It was very dark inside. Other than a small torch, Jar Jar could see nothing. Another torch lit ahead of him, he followed. He noticed many torches had lit, and he was walking down a narrow pyramid brick hallway. At the end of the hall, Jar Jar found a single door. Was this it? Was The Evil Joseph Swindler behind this door? Jar Jar curiously turned the doorknob clockwise and pushed. To his surprise the door flew open, and there, in a small concrete room, sat The Evil Joseph Swindler.
“Let’s get out of here!” Jar Jar shouted at The Evil Joseph Swindler. The Evil Joseph Swindler, however, acted quite strange. He breathed quite heavily, his eyes were wide, and he lifted a single finger that pointed behind Jar Jar’s back. Then Jar Jar heard voice hiss right in his ear,
“I have been expecting you…”
Jar Jar turned around to see Mr. Cliffordio, who smiled evilly. He was wearing a green hooded cloak, had green triangles imprinted on his glasses, and a triangle shaved into his beard. The triangles on his glasses seemed almost as if they glowed with mysterious power. Jar Jar waved his hand in an attempt to mind control Mr. Cliffordio, but Mr. Cliffordio grasped Jar Jar’s hand with an unpleasantly tight grip.
“Mind control only works on the weak minded, you fool...” Mr. Cliffordio hissed.
Mr. Cliffordio snapped his fingers and two dark hooded figures came into the room, then pursued The Evil Joseph Swindler and Jar Jar. Darth Jar Jar reached for his lightsaber, but nothing was there! His lightsaber was magically stuck to roof in the middle of the giant illuminati symbol. In desperation, Jar Jar unleashed a full-on Falcon Punch at one of the hooded figures. But he did not budge, rather he continued to pursue.
Sanic then came to Jar Jar’s mind again, “Gotta go fast!” Jar Jar remembered. But he was not fast enough. Jar Jar and The Evil Joseph Swindler were both taken hostage. They were taken back to the dim lit hall, but this time there was a second door to the right. Jar Jar was sure it hadn’t been there before. Through the door there was another torch lit pyramid brick hall, except this time there were ancient looking carvings on the left wall: There was the illuminati symbol, then an arrow leading to the Facebook symbol. Could this mean the illuminati owns Facebook? Next Jar Jar saw a picture of the earth, an explosion, and then another earth, except this time it was in the shape of a triangle; strange.
The group made a left into a giant room, complete with rows of tables and chairs, occupied by hundreds of the same hooded figures that brought The Evil Joseph Swindler and Jar Jar. This room was also made of pyramid brick, and the same illuminati symbol was on the roof. Mr. Cliffordio took the lead, and The Evil Joseph Swindler and Jar Jar were carried behind him up on top of a giant stage at the head of the room.
Up on the stage Jar Jar made out some of the faces of the hooded figures: Ronaldo, Justin Bieber, George Lucas, Shigeru Miyamoto, Barack Obama, and most interestingly, Mark Zuckerberg.
Jar Jar also noticed an empty seat beside Obama, with a name tag that meant it was reserved but nobody came. Mr. Cliffordio put his hands above his head in a triangle formation and spoke to the crowd.
“I have gathered you all here for a very important reason. As you all know we have successfully made a website in which people will loosely give away all their personal information. It has become so popular that we can now track what anybody is doing at any given time. With these last two important assets we have seized we can now put our master plan into action. Together we will form a new triangular planet. I do not know what to call it yet, I will tweet out a Twitter poll.” Mr. Cliffordio laughed evilly, and then a bag was locked over Jar Jar’s head and all he could see was black.
“Open your eyes” said an unfamiliar voice.
Jar Jar awoke to find he must have fallen asleep at some point. It was awfully boring when you can’t see anything. He was in a shiny metallic room with flashing buttons along the walls.
“You are now in outer space,” said a voice which Jar Jar recognized as the voice of an elderly man with a rather large nose who stood beside him. He also wore the illuminati robes and was holding a cart full of books.
“We have you captured now and are taking control of your Sith powers. You are the most powerful Sith in existence, and this room is using your abilities to power the entire ship along with its weapons, to make the triangular planet. We were on a very tight budget. Too tight for gas. Anyways, I am just here to ask if you want anything to read. I am the illuminati librarian.”
Jar Jar then recognized the man to be Dr. Seuss, a famous guy. But wasn’t he dead? Jar Jar stuck his hand into the cart of books and pulled out a dusty green one, Secrets of the illuminati and how to defeat them. This would come in handy, Jar Jar thought to himself. He then gripped the book tight and smacked Dr. Seuss out cold with it. Now he could escape!
Jar Jar was so scared, his hands were shaking. He left his jail cell but did not know where to go next. The halls were all very shiny and metallic looking. Jar Jar reached out and felt the wall and discovered that they were made from tinfoil! Dr. Seuss wasn’t joking when he said they had a tight budget. Jar Jar ran and ran and ran. He went through multiple doors and around the ship. Then Jar Jar heard a loud beeping noise, and bright red lights flashed throughout the ship, forcing Jar Jar to close his eyes. This was probably worse than looking into the sun. Then he heard a snake like voice.
“You are pretty dumb,” Mr. Cliffordio hissed, “We are pretty poor, and we were using your force powers to power this ship. Now that you left your room, we can’t do that, and we are basically going to die.”
There was not one person who could save Jar Jar now. Jar Jar didn’t even care about The Evil Joseph Swindler anymore. Joseph could die. Jar Jar had to live because he needed to finish training Kylo Ren. Jar Jar could not comprehend why he left his power room in the first place. Jar Jar thought for a moment. Godzilla surely had left. He couldn’t help now. Then Jar Jar remembered a song for some reason. He remembered a short song played on the Keyboard. He recognized this song, but from where? Then Jar Jar noticed he was not imagining this song at all. Sitting in front of him was a small orange cat wearing a blue shirt and playing the Keyboard. The last hope of America had come; Keyboard Cat.
Keyboard Cat meowed and grabbed Jar Jar with superhuman strength, and they both stood on his keyboard. The keyboard levitated and shot them both right through the roof and into space. Darth Jar Jar was in complete shock. His hero came to save him! Jar Jar could breathe in space, so he had not to worry. But it was very dark and lonely in space, so Jar Jar did not enjoy it. Keyboard Cat meowed and directed their course back towards earth. Jar Jar had gone completely numb in shock by now, The Evil Joseph Swindler was now surely dead, for the spaceship had collided into the face of the earth with a loud “thump!”
The illuminati were defeated, Mr. Cliffordio was blown up, and overall this adventure was for nothing. Jar Jar had wasted his whole weekend for no accomplishment. What a waste of time. The duo flew back to earth themselves, the fresh air felt like a soft pillow. Jar Jar could not tell where they were or where Keyboard Cat was taking him, and he didn’t care. They landed out front of a big white house, with American flags, a large flower garden, and a very fancy design. Who lived here now, Jar Jar wondered.
Keyboard Cat took Jar Jar inside. In the White House everything was bright and fancy. Jar Jar dared not to touch anything. They proceeded through many great rooms into what looked like the president’s office. They were not alone in the office though. When Jar Jar looked up he saw another animal friend. A blue hedgehog with blue hair and big red shoes stared stupidly at Jar Jar. Jar Jar’s running coach, Sanic the Hedgehog was here too!
“I’m Sanic the Hedgehog, Keyboard Cat’s translator. I’m gonna translate, and no copy-write law in the universe is gonna stop me!” Jar Jar stared blankly at how annoying Sanic’s voice was.
“Keyboard Cat says thanks for killing Trump and letting me be president, I got you a new shirt!”
Keyboard Cat handed Jar Jar a new Keyboard Cat fan shirt. It was identical to his old one. Jar Jar looked at it as long as possible. He’d do anything to suspend Sanic from talking; he just talks too fast.
“Now get out, gotta go fast!” Sanic said.
Jar Jar began to obey. He would head back to Mexico for his taco party, this little adventure accomplished less than nothing, The Evil Joseph Swindler was dead anyway.
But he couldn’t stop looking out a big window behind Keyboard Cat’s desk. Darth Jar Jar had a strange feeling in his stomach, like they were being watched. He intensified his stare out the window, and then he saw it. Blending in with the bushes stood a green cloaked figure, with triangles imprinted on his glasses, wearing shoes…
To be continued.