An Open Letter to the Lizard People

Susan Grahm
Nov. 8, 2023, 2:02 p.m.
Posted in News

Dear Reptilians,

We know what you are planning.

It became clear several years ago, when your leader Mark Zuckerburg took a sip of that water. That’s right, we know who your leader is. It has been obvious from the start that Zucc could not have created Facebook on his own; he must have had help. Furthermore, just by observing Mark’s mannerisms, any real human can observe that he is not a part of this world.

You must be truly naïve to believe we wouldn’t be able to decipher the true meaning behind that sip. Unfortunately for you, experts like me have been studying your moves for over a decade. More specifically, I know all about your alliance with the gnome army. Your ultimate plan is to flood America and eliminate all human inhabitants. The worst part is, nobody would ever have known that you were responsible.

I only have one question for you: How did you do it? How did you take control of all major media outlets and convince them to cover rising sea levels, citing global warming as the cause? I would guess a high level of blackmail or coercion must be involved, but I really can’t say for sure. One thing for certain is that many of the top news sources, even the once credible Killer Keemstar, have been compromised.

I held off on writing this letter until now, quietly waiting for the perfect opportunity. My counter plan has been years in the making, every move carefully crafted and executed. As of today, I can proudly announce that I have placed you in check mate. Don’t worry too much; I’m not going to kill you. Well, at least not all of you. My counter plan is quite generous compared to your original goals.

Tomorrow, I will send my top guy, currently positioned in New York City, to the ocean. Here, he will be able to drain the sea almost entirely. Unfortunately for you, this will reverse all the damage you have caused. All marine life will be left to rest on a dry seabed. I’m assuming you may already have guessed who my top guy is based on this description. That’s right. Badlands Chugs has joined the resistance.

So, this is farewell. Your plans were devious, I’ll give you that. But you Lizard people have yet to learn one thing. The good guys always win.

Burn in hell,

Susan Grahm


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